“Politically Correct” Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood

There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother at the edge of a forest. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fruit and some mineral water to her grandmother’s house. On the way to Grandma’s house RRH was accosted by a wolf:

1) Wolf: “What do you have in that cute little basket?”

2) RRH: “Some snacks for my grandmother, who is capable of caring for herself.”

3) Wolf: “My dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to be out walking alone.”

4) RRH: “I find your sexist remark extremely offensive.”
5) RRH: “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood continued on her way, taking the main path to her grandmother’s house. But the wolf knew a shortcut and got there first. He burst into the house, gagged the grandmother, shoved her into a closet, then he put on her night clothes and crawled into bed. A half hour later Red Riding Hood entered the cottage.

6) RRH: “Grandma, I have brought you some sodium-free snacks to salute you as a wise and nurturing matriarch.”

7) Wolf:: “Come closer, my child, so that I might see you.”

8) RRH: “Oh, Grandma, what big teeth you have.”

The Wolf leaped out of bed and grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws. She screamed. Her screams were heard by a woodchopper-person, who just happened to be passing by. He ran into the house, approached the wolf and raised his ax to strike.

9) RRH: “And what do you think you’re doing, bursting in here like that?”
10) RRH:.”Sexist! Idiot! Neanderthal! How dare you assume that women and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help.

Adapted from James Finn Gardner, Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.

A Morphology Poem

“I was wildered and fuddled at my gruntled employee. She was quite chalant at her ept approach to work. She took a flated balloon and embowled it, using it to capitate a doll. This made me quite pressed. It seemed evitable given her hibitions; so strange. Beknownst to me, as I was plussed, she has been trepid for quite some time. Once things are taken off her plate she will begin to feel whelmed again, as long as she doesn’t linquish them. She is only vincible, after all.”

Adrienne LeFevre