“Politically Correct” Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood

There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother at the edge of a forest. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fruit and some mineral water to her grandmother’s house. On the way to Grandma’s house RRH was accosted by a wolf:

1) Wolf: “What do you have in that cute little basket?”

2) RRH: “Some snacks for my grandmother, who is capable of caring for herself.”

3) Wolf: “My dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to be out walking alone.”

4) RRH: “I find your sexist remark extremely offensive.”
5) RRH: “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood continued on her way, taking the main path to her grandmother’s house. But the wolf knew a shortcut and got there first. He burst into the house, gagged the grandmother, shoved her into a closet, then he put on her night clothes and crawled into bed. A half hour later Red Riding Hood entered the cottage.

6) RRH: “Grandma, I have brought you some sodium-free snacks to salute you as a wise and nurturing matriarch.”

7) Wolf:: “Come closer, my child, so that I might see you.”

8) RRH: “Oh, Grandma, what big teeth you have.”

The Wolf leaped out of bed and grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws. She screamed. Her screams were heard by a woodchopper-person, who just happened to be passing by. He ran into the house, approached the wolf and raised his ax to strike.

9) RRH: “And what do you think you’re doing, bursting in here like that?”
10) RRH:.”Sexist! Idiot! Neanderthal! How dare you assume that women and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help.

Adapted from James Finn Gardner, Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.

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